


Justice, No!

by Ellidappler



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: M/M, anders and justice like lyrium, fenris needs restraining orders, is crackfic even a term anymore?, someone stop justice, tell me -shakes a cane-, this is crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-06-04 14:23:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6662377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellidappler/pseuds/Ellidappler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Justice gets the hots for Fenris and attempts to woo the prickly elf. Anders and Fenris are not happy. Isabela and Varric think it's a riot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Justice, No!

If Anders had to describe the taste of lyrium, he would have to say that it had the sharp edge of mint, the searing spice of cinnamon, and the saccharine sweetness of pure sugar. Yet, at the same time, it was pleasant and soothing, like an herbal tea with honey in it.

Justice viewed the taste of lyrium as that of memories, of childhood innocence, and of home. While Anders thought it was silly for something to taste like intangible things, they both conceded that lyrium was pleasant to drink. It wasn’t surprising, then, that they both held a particular interest in Fenris.

Though Fenris was infuriatingly anti-mage, Anders couldn’t deny that the man was attractive. His lean body rippled with toned muscle, and the skintight leggings Fenris always wore just weren’t fair, especially with those muscular thighs and that ass. And Maker, his voice. Fenris’ voice was deep and rich and velvety like caramel. If the man didn’t have the proclivity to spew anti-mage rhetoric, Anders would have flirted with Fenris long ago in hopes of luring the man into bed.

Unfortunately, they found each other insufferable and Anders had given up any hope of forming a friendship, never mind a romantic or sexual relationship, with the bigoted elf. This didn’t mean that Anders didn’t occasionally enjoy the view from the back of the party, however. If Isabela wrote friendfiction of them and teased him for ogling the elf, well, that was her own business.

But one day, when Fenris was complaining of the cold and Isabela suggested that Anders lick the elfsicle back to warmth, he realized with a jolt that the idea was quite appealing. Justice murmured in agreement in the back of his mind, saying something about tasting home.

Anders had blamed the flush on his face to the chill breeze, but Isabela and Fenris didn’t believe the cold was the reason why his face was so red. Once they had completed their work, Anders had been very happy to return to his clinic and to his bed, away from their judging and knowing eyes.

Anders woke up the next morning to a loud knock at his door. He looked out the window, noting with a frown that it was still dark. He got up early to heal the needy, but no one ever disturbed him before dawn unless it was an emergency.

Groaning, he sat up and plodded over to the door, wincing at his creaking bones. He was getting old, he supposed, or somehow he had managed to run all over Kirkwall last night.

With a yawn, Anders opened the door, blinking in surprise when he found Varric waiting for him there.

“Good morning, Blondie.”

“Uh, good morning. Did Hawke get so hungover again you need me to come and heal his headache? If so, that’s really not an emergency. It could’ve waited.”

“Afraid not, Blondie. This would be the emergency. Someone broke into my publisher’s bedroom in the middle of the night and gave this to her.”

Varric shoved some papers in Anders’ face. With a frown, Anders took them and began reading. It took only a few moments for him to blanch.

IN WHICH JUSTICE LICKS THE LYRIUM ELF  
A STORY BY JUSTICE

FIRST JUSTICE GAINED THE AFFECTION OF THE LYRIUM ELF BY LAVISHING HIM WITH PRESENTS OF PASTRIES AND FLOWERS. ONCE THEY WERE ON GOOD TERMS, JUSTICE ASKED IF HE COULD LAVISH THE LYRIUM ELF WITH HIS TONGUE. THE LYRIUM ELF EAGERLY AGREED, GIVING JUST CONSENT, AND THEY WENT TO A CLINIC IN DARKTOWN TO CONSUMMATE THE DEED. JUSTICE LICKED THE LYRIUM ELF ALL OVER, THE ELF BENEATH HIM WRITHING IN ECSTASY OF HIS SKILLFUL TECHNIQUE, AS IS JUST, UNTIL THE LYRIUM ELF FINALLY GAVE IN TO THE POWER OF JUSTICE’S TONGUE AND CAME WITH A HOARSE CRY. THE LYRIUM ELF BEGGED FOR JUSTICE TO MARRY HIM SO HE AND THE LYRIUM ELF WOULD BE HAPPY TOGETHER FOREVER. THEY GOT MARRIED AND JUSTICE CONTINUED TO LICK THE LYRIUM ELF, OF COURSE WITH CONSENT, SINCE THEIR MARRIAGE DID NOT MEAN AUTOMATIC CONSENT AND NO CONSENT IS UNJUST. THEY ADOPTED 4 CATS, 2 CHILDREN, AND OVERTHREW THE UNJUST SYSTEM OF THE TEVINTER IMPERIUM AND LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER. THE END.

“I’m going to go crawl under a rock now and die, if you don’t mind,” Anders groaned. “Seriously? Justice has got the hots for Fenris and wrote friendfiction about the two of them?”

Before Varric could answer, Fenris burst into the clinic, holding a pie in one hand and roses in the other.

“Have you finally lost control of your demon, mage?” he snarled.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time posting on AO3, so... yay! Comments are very appreciated, and I love constructive criticism.
> 
> This is intended to be a silly crackfic. It might end up resembling "Roses are Red, I glow Blue" by Prudabaga, which is a riot and inspired me. Uh... yeah!
> 
> Awkward author notes are awkward, I guess. Unbeta'd.


End file.
